It’s that time of year again so here is my ultimate Christmas Gift Guide. You spend hours trying to find the perfect gifts for people you love, carefully picking out something you think they will love, only to discover that a week after Christmas they are selling it on eBay. This year, why not express how you really feel with some subtle and not so subtle gifts to show them you really care. Here are a few of my top picks for your not-so-loved ones this Christmas.
These plush cutie STDs are apparently a million times their actual size, so you can really show a person you think they have herpes. You can pick up Chlamidia, Herpes, Syphylis, Crabs or the Clap for just £8.99 from Firebox.
Know someone with a kid? Want to drive them crazy? Well then, this Drum & Beats Drum Kit from the Early Learning Centre is the gift for you, priced at a bargain £25.00 (on sale) you can ensure that the person you secretly hate has a permanent migraine as their kids happily bangs like Keith Moon at 0730 on a Sunday morning.
This gift from Find Me A Gift is pretty self explanatory, I mean it is a giant penis shaped mug afterall. It is gross and looks like it would be difficult to drink out of too, so it’s working on a number of levels there. Priced at a very reasonable £4.99 I bet you can immediately think of someone to get this for. I know I can. For added insult and an extra £1.00 you can have it engraved and personalised. “To ????, saw this and thought of you, Merry Cockmas you absolute bellend”
People love popping bubble wrap don’t they? Personally I like to lay it on the floor and stamp on it, whilst it pops loudly beneath my feet I can pretend I am stomping the very bones of those that have wronged me. You can get this hoodie-and-trousers-made-of-bubble-wrap combo for your secret enemy and offer to help them pop their special suit by punching them repeatedly in the ribs and the bonus is, they will look like a right lunchbox while they wear it. This will set you back £12.95 from Prezzy Box and is almost in your average Secret Santa budget. Hands up who has a work colleague they’ve always wanted to punch?
Admittedly, this one isn’t so subtle. I suppose it is more subtle than the big penis mug though and you can pretend this is a funny joke (like the UNT mugs). This is another gift that is working on a few levels, the handle looks like it would be really awkward to hold and it is one of those slightly oversized mugs that takes up too much space in your cup cupboard and makes your tea or coffee go cold really quickly, so you are already annoying the person you have gifted this mug too before they even realise you are calling them a (D)ICK. This mug will set you back £9.99 from Totally Funky.
For £7.99 from Totally Funky this gift is the ultimate in secret hatred gift giving because on the surface it looks like a totally cool and quirky gift for the geek in your life. Why did I pick it? Well, here is the genius part, soft boiled eggs for dipping are notoriously tricky to get right and by the time they have boiled 3 different eggs to get the soft, dippy consistency right and then painstakingly toasted, buttered and cut out the toast into the Batman logo shape, everything has gone cold. The ultimate revenge – a disappointing and cold breakfast. Take that bitch.
I spotted this little gem on Boohoo, it will set you back £10.00 (on sale). Friends with an annoying couple? Want to express how you get how cute they are together and how perfect they are for each other and let them know that you get it, they are better than you. Get them this jumper, it’s cute, it’s funny and I reckon after 10 minutes of them wearing it, that’s one less Facebook status update of them declaring their undying love for each other you will have to endure.
Toothpaste that tastes like bacon? Pretend you’ve got your pal a quirky and unique gift. In reality for £4.95 (on sale) from Prezzy Box you can ensure that their breath smells like bacon all day. They can also start the day with a really gross taste in their mouth. Perfect.
Would you get any of these gifts for people this Christmas? Have you ever received one of them? Get in touch below!